Some of my favorite Emo Phillips jokes...

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I went from stool to stool in a singles bar hoping to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.